me, the messy

Yesterday I lost my closest friend
Yesterday I wanted time to end
I wonder if my heart will ever mend
I just let you slip away
4 AM forever
Maybe I'll never see you smile again
Maybe you thought that it was all pretend;
All these words that I could never say
I just let them slip away
4 AM forever
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, you never know
Hold a little tighter
4 AM forever
Maybe one day when I can move along
Maybe someday when you can hear this song
You won't let it slip away
4 AM forever
And I'd wish the sun would never come
It's 4 AM and you are done
I hope you know you're letting go
It's 4 AM and I'm alone
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, you never know
Hold a little tighter
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, you never know
Hold a little tighter
4 AM forever...

hi. i'm rai. but that's not my real name, it's just the short-cut. don't get me wrong, i am a girl. most people who hasn't seen me but heard of my name would take the impression that i'm otherwise. Some would even think I'm a derivation of the species once they see me, but then again, I'm not a butch. anyway, don't mind her. she's just butting in. yeah, her. she's usually quiet and serious and strong and brave. she's a perfectionist too. i can go on describing her. she doesn't describe herself much though. she leaves that to me. i on the other hand am a bit immature. i like to run away a lot too. She's in denial a lot. Well I am at times too. which is true.

so anyway, most people would say that i look younger than my age. some even think i'm still in highschool. But my apologies for the deception. (add being too formal to her description by the way, hehe.) i'm already 25, see. but i guess i'm stuck in a body that's for a younger person. going back, some people think i look so innocent. i believe that's on my side. she, on the other hand, is the one who's so worldly. well i am too, in my own ways.

wondering why i'm doing this? well, it's my turn to write. she's kinda silent right now. hmm, that's not the right term. she's moody. she's trying to ignore something right now. Now that word, gives me an idea, ignore. i would call it as letting go. something happened, you see. that incident woke her up, and now i'm the one here.

i'll leave the details of that incident for later. There is still yet another event that's to happen that I don't know how to handle. well, we'll leave that for later too. you see, she writes for expression. i write for mostly anything. although i don't sound as interesting as her. and i write about little itsy bitsy stuff that don't really matter. shallow things, ya'know? and she writes in puzzles. i try to go straight to the point. although i go in circles sometimes too. teehee.

she's trying to go back to her normal state which i think is a robotic life. she's having difficulty with it. i come out at certain times cause i think she doesn't know what to do most of the time anymore. It threw me off-track. yeah, now that i think about it. *sigh* i don't even know what i'm doing at times too. It is too f*ckin' painful! but i try to think about the funny times that happened. But then I'd remember that I won't ever have that chance again. i'd burst into tears. That is if I'm the only one who can see it because I'd cry with her. and then it stops at that. i'll be back to trying to go on with life. Life does go on. But no matter how many times I tell myself that... truth of the matter is, i'm just really stuck. she's screaming and i'm just staring into space while she pours her heart out.

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it's hard to keep up the courage to face it head on

she's starting to write it up now.
there goes a few words, a few lines.
it's looking like a poem. it became a narration.
she can see it now. it wasn't intentional.
it was suddenly clear to her.
stop.
a gasp, a shudder.
fight it, she prays. she lost.
pain was too much of a burden.
she was hiding it for far too long.
she went on writing till it was too much to bear.
she's running away from it now.
and she longed to be in his arms.
she longed to be in anyone's arms.
she's wailing.

nothing but anguish.

but she writes some more.
i admire her strength.
but she stops once again.
i know it hurts.
i feel it too.
all i know is that she has to write this down.
she let her tears flow now as she went on.
it was so hard.
a few more weeping spells.
and the worst has passed.
hopefully.
she might just be tired.
so i rest.

there was only this one time when i had fluttering wings
and sparkling colors as my comfort. i guess i'm going back
to that. yeah... something bad happened again. it doesn't
really feel too good. that's why i'm trying not to remember
what happened. not yet anyway. i'm chicken, remember?
that sounded funny. i imagined myself clucking away.
anyway, i feel so small right now. too small... i'd like to
disappear for some time. i'd probably have the courage
to face what happened after i get back. well if i do decide
to disappear. *sigh* it's hard. it's already been 4 days and
i still can't face it head on. i need to find to courage to look
straight at it and i'll be quiet now.