me, the messy

stirred in my sleep. my mind slowly drifted away from the realities of the unconscious. i was aware of my wakefulness and of the magnificence that brighten our days, but i never opened my eyes. i started to recall of the moments passed that seemed like distorted, rumbling visions of the last hours before i submitted myself to a sleepers abstractions. but before that, i felt a very solid ache of a bitch in my head. (damn headache! it hurts still as i type this!) i gave up the recall and headed to the bathroom and released all the piss that i've been holding in my sleep. i looked at myself in the mirror and it's right enough to see a vision as worse as i was feeling. went back to the comfort of my bed but didn't feel any of it. just this blasted pain! i wondered then if i ever brushed my teeth last night and noticed the bits of awkward taste of phlegm in my mouth. gross! i stood up again, craving for some needed breakfast. maybe a cup of coffee would ease the pain.

it almost did. what actually got rid of the last remnants of it was the usual morning greeting from my baby. gosh... what will i ever do without him. just wish that he was really here beside me.

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and then came another craving. it triggered a different kind of hungering pain, one that would be utterly satisfying once it has been fed by pleasure.

for oct. 29.....

just came back to reality from my off days. of course i go through the same old shit i go through each and every damn work day. it drives me to an even nuttier state! the only difference, aside from not being late, was that of a voice that came from someone unexpected. that one from alias brdurano. kinda caught me off guard cause he sounded nice. he doesn't usually, sound that way. anyway, when he found out that it was me who's transferring, he broke into a cheery voice, saying my name twice like it was the first time he's heard from me after a very long while. now that made me smile. and that made my day.

funny how someone else's cheerful voice can brighten your day, even if it's from someone you don't really know personally.


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didn't go to work last night though. i felt awful. i kept getting into a series of sneezes every few minutes, i was getting the chills, my head was spinning and i couldn't walk straight. didn't even bother calling the office. i turned my cellphone off to avoid my team manager's call. yeah, yeah how can i be so inconsiderate.... i ask myselft that question sometimes and find myself dumbfounded. i honestly don't know why. let's see, if i called it would still be the same thing, i'll get double the occurence, cause she'll think it's not a valid reason. well, damn shorty! so what if i can walk, doesn't mean i can still think straight. sheesh. the thing i hate about the office is that they still force you to go there to be sure that you're really sick and unfit to work. it has to be they're doctor's call and not from any other doctor. well i'm sorry, i can't go to the office because i'm sick. which part don't they understand in that statement? di na nga ako makapunta kasi mahina na ko, pipilitin ka pa rin nila para tingnan kung totoo yung sinasabi mo.

and so anyway, that was that. i couldn't really sleep well last night either. damn sneezes won't stop. all the canals in my respiratory system are too sore already from all them sneezes. speaking of sneezes, i heard somewhere that the air that comes out during the sneeze has a speed of 100mph. cool! so when someones's in front of you and a snot comes out during the sneeze, boom! that person would be dead! hahahahaha!


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lastly, i got a surprise. it was the uber mind bending puzzle my baby sent to me. hahahaha! gosh! THAT made my day! i was shocked to see a package on my side table when i got home. it was supposed to arrive today. was so excited that i ripped the outer package wrapper open and started solving at once. there were 3 puzzles. they're like really big weird shaped chains linked together and you're supposed to separate them. was able to separate the smallest puzzle almost at once. but i had to figure out how to get them linked together again.

hahahaha! was just really, well ecstatic about it. it came sooner than i thought it would be. thanks baby! mwah!!!

no need for introductions or any formalities. it's so, well, baduy! hahahaha! wait, am i not just making an intro? oh sheesh!

anyway, this is quite a productive day. i've finally straightened out an almost-fight with one of my closest friends in the office through emails.... lots and lots of emails. it could have been a bloody battle if it was done personally. damn. was never really good with confrontations. when i confront, i confront and nothing else. just a series of statements and no considerations whatsoever. that's the thing about this deranged person, i am nice and good to people. but this angel can be a total devil of a bitch when i turn bad. anyway, here are some of the emails that were sent....

me:

other party:

This actually is quite a surprise for me.
I don't know what to say, ***.
I know that I am quite a handful at times,
I know that most of the times I get What I want.
But reading your email, made me seem like a
"PARASITE", It's like all I ever do is to get you to buy me things,
food and accompany me. I never thought that it would actually come to this.
I feel so horrible right now, I don't know what to say.
Well, you could have at least said something earlier,
I am not that narrow minded, you know?
I actually feel so rotten right now,
"bursting in anger at me" , Never in my wildest dream, ***.
Never did I imagine nor think that it would actually come to this.
I try my best to be a good friend to you and to everybody else.
This really hurts, you know why?
Because it took you this long before telling me.
I feel like a fool, all the while I thought we're OK, guess, I was wrong.
It really hurts, but I also feel so ashamed of my self.
It's like all I ever did was take advantage of you and your generosity.
I thought that we were good friends, now all I will ever do is think back.
On the times that you treated me, you lent me money, and everything else.
Was it all because you couldn't say "no" to me?
Why couldn't you say no?, I mean, who am I to say no to?
Now I feel like everything just turned upside down.
I don't know what else to say....
Just don't be surprised if I'm not the same anymore....
Hindi sa nagmamalaki ako, I know you'll understand.
And don't worry, I'll try to settle all my "damages" as quick as possible.
If I have to get another loan, I will, just to settle everything.
Para matapos na ang gulo sa isip ko.
I just wish that I knew sooner, para naman hindi ko isipin na lahat ng nangyari eh, kasalan ko.
Nalalabuan lang kasi ako eh, anyway, I'll see you around.

well, these are just one of those moments when i lose it. there were a couple of more emails that were sent to me. a lot of blah blah that i didn't really care reading because i was just really asking for an answer. here's the thing. i hate people beating around the bush. i asked the question directly, explained for my inquiry and that's it. now all i want is a direct answer and an explanation. just the way i said it you know. the tone was not that of anger in my initial email, just that of demand of an answer and a reason. in the following emails came the slow rise of anger in me. because again, a reply is just what i'm asking for. and she did reply, just had the wrong content...

lemme continue this later, need mid day sustainance....