me, the messy

nothing more but shock
a numb feeling, just standing still
can't even remember of what just happened
i can't even understand what to do
although its clear
for all i know a path has already been chosen
that was too long ago
it's destination unknown
a happily ever after or utter sorrow
sorrow was my assumption
but now the aftermath
of a sudden conversation
you would want to be my man
and me your woman....?
but i am never anyone's girl
never till the end of the world
religion restrains me
you yourself dwell in another's arms
even i have my own despite my prior principle
what point is it having this?
can you answer that for me?

remembering jon....

lets just call her romaine and him, james."i have news for you," he said. she got worried instantly. is it good or bad?, she thought. and he continued, "may girlfriend na ako." she was suddenly speechless. she didnt know how to react to that. it just seemed that the whole world just stopped.

it's been almost two years since they met. he was 26, she was 20. despite the age gap, they clicked the second after they introduced themselves to one another. james was a great listener. he listened to every word she said. and romaine, she can talk to him about almost anything. they both found that talking to each other eased their minds. and at the back of her mind someone was telling her, you are gonna fall for this guy...

romaine was prone to falling, well... almost immediately, after meeting a guy that she found to be appealingly interesting. after two months of frequent conversations with james, her heart was just about to jump from the ledge and fall for him. well, why wouldnt she? he was there when she needed a shoulder to cry on. he was there when she was happy, and they celebrated for that. he was there even if she just needed a silent presence from someone. but then she found out something that made her step back from that ledge, that made her restrain her growing feelings for james. he had a son. but that isn't so bad, she thought, sending hopes back into her system. but then james went on, he's been married for 5 years now....

she remembers it clearly. that night when she knew. it was the year 2002. she won't ever forget how it felt. james? married?, she recalls. and all she could do then was laugh. no tears were shed, though. but now, tears began to burn in her eyes while she faked her excitement for him. but we had something together... didnt you feel it?. she tried to justify what was happening to her while james kept on describing his new girlfriend.

its already more than a year since they met. romaine noticed that he's always busy, always cranky, always angry, always trying to avoid.... something. she knew something went wrong in james' life. she asked him so many times if everything was going alright. eventually, james got angry because of her persisetence. what was she going to do? she turned to ronnie, their common friend. ronnie told her what happened. james' wife was filing for divorce.

romaine cringed. how could something so aweful happen to a nice guy like james? she knew though that he was having troubles with his marriage. james sometimes told her about it and she would tell him that he should make things right. she even suggested that he and his wife go through therapy if ever things went too far. she remebered how they would begin to argue when she started conversations like that.she couldnt see why it ended this way for james. somehow she felt his pain. what would happen to him after this? what would happen to his son? she ached to be there with him. she wanted him to know that eveything will work out... somehow. she told him he could still save his marriage and that its not yet too late. but he refused. he made his decision and accepted the fact that it was really over. suddenly to her surprise a tear trickled down her cheeck. there must be something she could do. this is so unfair! she thought. 'hindi ito makatarungan!', she told him.'thanx for you concern but i'm fine really', he said, 'buti na yung ganito kaysa sa nagsasama kami at di na maguusap habang buhay.'it was then when she started crying. she cried for his pain. she cried because she cant do anything to help him. she cried because she cant be there for him at a time like this.

but romaine found the strength to hold back the tears. although she felt that it would soon fade. she kept asking james, questions like how they met, how she looked like....

"we've been friends for so long," he answered,"mas ok na ang ganito para wala ng pa cute. physically, she's everything i want in a girl. maputi, 5'6"......" he kept on babbling on.

"congratulations to the both of you!", she exclaimed and added,"i'm so happy for you. o di happy ka na?"

"oo naman!"

"well, thats good... no, that's great! you deserve to be happy!", and her strength failed, "hey james, i have to go. i really have to sleep. puyat kasi ako remember?"

"oo nga pala, thanks ha!", he said, "sleep well!"

sleep well huh?, she thought. when she was on her bed, she hugged her pillow so tight and wept silently. anong nangyari satin? i was so sure that you felt the same way..

some months after his divorce, they found themselves talking like they used to. james was facing all his troubles alright but he seemed fine then. it was their normal conversation, like everything was fine, like there was nothing wrong.

"you seem to be in a good mood today", she commented

"di naman, usual lang", he said

"sabi mo eh. kelan ka ba uuwi dito sa pinas?", she asked, "why dont you let Ronnie tag along. i haven't seen you guys in ages!"

"no way!", he answered, "Ronnie's gonna steal you from my clutches if i let him tag along. akin ka lang!"

ok.. so where did that come from?, she thought.

i still see your face when i turn in my sleep.
i hug you tight but its only the cold comfort of my pillow that i feel.
i finally open my eyes and see you fade.
only seeing a panel of no shade.
you are somewhere else after all.
too far away from clutches...

so much that I can say to you, my voice shakes from the hurt that i hide
ashamed of my existence and of my petty often wounded pride
i like to come home to see you and to catch your sickness by the bedside
but then you know how much i really need you
all the love in an instant makes my life stop
but then my hate for you makes my feelings all together drop

if only i were blind to your selfish fling and your desperate cause
and impress you for the details that threaten my physical flaws
i like to come home to see you and embrace your illness
but then you know how much i really need you
all the love in an instant makes my life stop
but then my hate for you makes my feelings all together drop

so much that i can say to you with affection that i burn inside
your aching from the distance avoiding strength that's running, still alive
if only i could heal you in the sprinkling of the ocean's side
but then you know how much i really love you
all the love in an instant makes my life stop
but then my hate for you makes my feelings all together drop

============================
makes me remember of jon's marriage...