me, the messy

funny, how my blog restricts me from saying the things that i want.
funny, how i still made a blog despite still keeping most of my secrets.
ironic isn't it? my life seems to be full of irony.

i never thought life would be so difficult or that complicated.
i've always accepted everything as it comes along.
that makes choices so much simpler. but then when
simple things pile up, it would be too much to handle
with just two hands.
i'm just a small girl really, with a mind of an idealist.
with a strong spirit that easily breaks if you know
where to strike.

*****

i worry too much about everything. makes me wonder why i
have black hair instead of white. i care too much of most things.
people wonder why i do, instead of minding my own business.
i don't really know. it doesn't feel too good if i don't care.
some people would think, if i have ever cared for myself.
yes, of course i have. i'm rather selfish if you knew what
my intentions were.

*****

i guess i can't understand it anymore. for once i don't actually
know what to do with a situation like this. i usually can handle
anything that comes my way. but not this one, oh no. this
would be, i guess, a real challenge for me. one that i won't
manage to work out.

was checking on my old yahoo account and went through almost all of the yahoo groups that i'm
part of. groups of friends met from different places with different common interests. funny how
i'm not in touch with most of them anymore. some of them being the greatest friends that i've
ever met. yet despite the best of times we've had together, i sit here and do nothing to initiate
through whatever way of communication to express that i miss them. i never know why i do
that. but that's the reason why i'm typing this down, to get to the reason behind it.

i guess we moved to places during the times when i though i already met friends that would be
most dear to me. you know that feeling? when you meet a friend you think who'll be the best
friend of your whole life.... someone whom you can talk anything about and everything your life
goes through? well, i guess when i finally got to those times when i was kid, my family would
move to another place. and thus the conclusion of why still have a best friend?

i remember telling one of my greatest friends about not yet finding someone like that. someone
who can be there and stand by me no matter who i am, even if i was gone for a long time or
even if i didn't make a single contact while i was away. someone who can read me, and what i'll
think or do or say just by looking at me or better, not even looking at me. just.... feeling. i told
her that i met someone almost like that already. but it wasn't her. i knew i caused her some
disappointment. we had that conversation about 4-5 years ago. we're not in touch anymore.
well, none from our group of friends have i ever been in touch since God knows when.

it has been the same thing with all the friends i've made. no contact. even if they're already
beside me. because there's an awkward feeling between us, like we're total strangers, like we've
never known each other anymore. honestly, it's so irritating to see them during those times. i'm
so used to seeing them that i want to do something else, so used to being with them that i want
to get away from the very place of which we're both in. there are several who understands me
and respects me for it. just a few that i can think of right now in fact. there are a couple whom i
can call real friends. it's funny how i thought they would be the ones that i wouldn't get along
with, but they're actually the people who'd be there when i do need them, give advice that
actually is the right one to take. (and if you're reading this entry, you're one of those people and
i salute you). although there were those people whom i thought were real friends, but i guess i was wrong.

the friends that i'm missing at the moment are those whom i've had great times with but with
no contact anymore. although i just miss them, doesn't mean i wanna be with them.

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best of you?
Are you gone in onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear i'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear i'll never give in
I refuse

one of those incredible feelings in life
a natural high that would plead to care
and caring would come naturally then
the smile comes in without your knowledge
and it actually looks real, without any
sadness in the eyes or any worried lines
hi's and hello's are now easy
a wave here and there to say goodbye as you stroll home
apologizing and really meaning it
enjoying simple talk
the cool morning breeze tingling the face
admiring the spirit of waking you up with the number of calls he made
the magnificent sunset
a kiss on the cheek to acknowledge the presence and the almost absence
being there for friends
not minding the little things that causes the madness
acknowledging the e-mail that someone misses you
oatmeal that reminds of childhood stories about Goldilocks, 3 bears and porridge
doing secret contact with siblings
a simple expression of gratitude
recalling favorite songs
there's a whole lot more.

i just had myself reset.
and if i die soon, i think i'll die happy.

i just love this video!