me, the messy

was checking on my old yahoo account and went through almost all of the yahoo groups that i'm
part of. groups of friends met from different places with different common interests. funny how
i'm not in touch with most of them anymore. some of them being the greatest friends that i've
ever met. yet despite the best of times we've had together, i sit here and do nothing to initiate
through whatever way of communication to express that i miss them. i never know why i do
that. but that's the reason why i'm typing this down, to get to the reason behind it.

i guess we moved to places during the times when i though i already met friends that would be
most dear to me. you know that feeling? when you meet a friend you think who'll be the best
friend of your whole life.... someone whom you can talk anything about and everything your life
goes through? well, i guess when i finally got to those times when i was kid, my family would
move to another place. and thus the conclusion of why still have a best friend?

i remember telling one of my greatest friends about not yet finding someone like that. someone
who can be there and stand by me no matter who i am, even if i was gone for a long time or
even if i didn't make a single contact while i was away. someone who can read me, and what i'll
think or do or say just by looking at me or better, not even looking at me. just.... feeling. i told
her that i met someone almost like that already. but it wasn't her. i knew i caused her some
disappointment. we had that conversation about 4-5 years ago. we're not in touch anymore.
well, none from our group of friends have i ever been in touch since God knows when.

it has been the same thing with all the friends i've made. no contact. even if they're already
beside me. because there's an awkward feeling between us, like we're total strangers, like we've
never known each other anymore. honestly, it's so irritating to see them during those times. i'm
so used to seeing them that i want to do something else, so used to being with them that i want
to get away from the very place of which we're both in. there are several who understands me
and respects me for it. just a few that i can think of right now in fact. there are a couple whom i
can call real friends. it's funny how i thought they would be the ones that i wouldn't get along
with, but they're actually the people who'd be there when i do need them, give advice that
actually is the right one to take. (and if you're reading this entry, you're one of those people and
i salute you). although there were those people whom i thought were real friends, but i guess i was wrong.

the friends that i'm missing at the moment are those whom i've had great times with but with
no contact anymore. although i just miss them, doesn't mean i wanna be with them.