me, the messy

(posted during the previous on the other side)

Earlier today, I was thinking of a design for a tattoo because I was meaning to get my art punctured on to my back. While I entertained my mind with collaborations of past and un-vented artwork, a past suddenly shot through me, with it was a tug on the heart.

He showed me a website once. It was his friend's. It exhibited the intricate needle work of a tattoo artist. It was just celestial to me. I told him I wanted one. The notion angered him. He told me to stick to henna.

*sigh*

I don't know whether to immerse in dolefulness or laughter.

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I remember when I was in his embrace it would always feel so right. I felt comforted and warm, like it was the only place in this world where I should be. On that last time, he asked me to look at him but I couldn't. I left my head to rest on his shoulder. He asked why but I couldn't answer. I wish I had. But it's too late now.

I wanted to say that I was afraid that he'll vanish. I thought I was dreaming because I couldn't believe that we were together. I was afraid that it would be the last time. Well, it turned out it was.

I eventually looked at him anyway. I remember how his eyes would always look like he's smiling. But the last time I looked meaningfully, he was preventing the tears to spill but it still had that same beam. That memory still pains me. I could have told him everything at that moment, I could have held him in my arms and returned that same warmth. But I was a coward and told myself to save it for tomorrow before he left. It was a bad move. The worst move that I've ever decided actually.

That happened more than two months ago. Would you believe that there's still a bit of hope in me thinking that tomorrow would come? How crazy is that?