me, the messy

you think you've done everything wrong
you think it's all your fault
and you believe that you won't be forgiven.

but then you witness another magnificent sun rise
sunlight tries to pierce the night sky
and you can see indigo fade into blue
blue stretches out to green having slate in between
then finally yellow, reaching out
rays of flame lined up to different directions.
makes you believe that your drawings of the sunrise
when you were a kid was almost as real as what
you're just seeing.

and you know that God still loves you.
because he's just given you another
magnicificent sunrise

she was a teenager then, eager to explore the world and conquer it. he, on the otherhand was almost a decade her senior, experienced of the world's tricks, knowledgable on how to outsmart and detach himself.

she lost him, way before they even met. but when fate decided to let their paths cross, she was almost certain that it was a match that would last the lifetime but she was not as certain if he felt the same way. she had to know and she soon found out. he already had a son. that wasn't pretty bad, was it? having a big heart, she can learn to love his son as her own. but then, he was still wearing his wedding band. as young and as vulnerable as she was, her heart broke. she decided she can stand by him as his friend even if the pieces can't be mended.

as the years passed, their friendship grew into something special, the type that no one can explain. it hurt her to see it end that way. and as their friendship grew, so did the pain. he grew farther away from his wife, however. until one day, his wife left him. she knew that they were having problems. but she never knew that it was that bad. she was devasted and felt for him. she stood by him all the way, tried to distract him from all his worries through little things that made him laugh and conversations that made them feel silly. it worked. but she had always wondered if the failure of his marriage was of her doing. he reassured her that it didn't.

time had mended his wounds. she thought it improper, but it had always lingered in her mind if this was her chance. wouldn't it look like she stole him away? too late. while she was too busy deciding about that, he found yet another who could put color back into his life. someone else stole him. she lost him yet again. she went on being his friend, but the pieces of her heart broke into smaller ones. until she decided to let him be.

years later, they met again. he looked good and well with his girl. she on the otherhand was satisfied enough with her boyfriend. but memories were never forgotten. they realized how much they missed each other's company and decided to always be in contact no matter what. but the times were re-occurring. his girl found out and left him. again, she was the reason for this ruin. everything was back to normal quicker than the last time though. but not as normal however. he confessed his feelings for her and claimed that there was something else going on between them other than just being good friends. he wanted to confirm that he wasn't just the one feeling it. and she confessed as well.

she stayed with her boyfriend, however. she tried to keep it from him, but truth would always reveal themselves. so it did. there was a moment of tears and of unspoken pain. her boyfriend remained by her side, anyway, but only as a good friend now.

so they were finally together. laughing at the same little things, silly things. sharing day to day activities. facing challenges in life together.it was good while it lasted. no. it was great.

but some things do change, an impact of life's experiences. personalities that were failed to be seen in the past. they fought over it. and it's been more than a week without him. she realized that this time, it must be his turn. he left her hanging.

has she lost him again? i don't know. i'm still waiting. i'm still counting the days. i'm still hanging on. i can't help but think if this is what i've deserved all along.
i guess i do.

you know, i'd rather collapse than endure all these.
have you ever wished you weren't strong?
i feel like i'll blow up any second. i wish i would.
i can picture it in my mind, imagine the feeling even.
it would start from the middle of the chest.
it would feel the same as the one that i always feel
when i suddenly awake from deep sleep.
rush of blood that tightens the chest.
just like it but faster.
if that would happen then i won't explode.
i'll implode instead. which makes sense
in reality since i'll be collapsing and no one
would know what could've happened. all the blood
from the edges and tips of my being, pumped
into the heart with one go.
it must be glorious.
i must be crazy.

i'm so fed up with the things that i'm doing
with my work
with drawing
with the faces i see everyday
the things i hear or read
the things i say
the way i think
the way i act
habits that never go away
the distance
the boundaries
the hindrances
the differences

but maybe it's just the longing....

I lock the door and lock my head
And dream of butterflies instead
The beauty of their colored wings
The trees, the grass and pretty things
Imagination fills the void of my existence

Daddy says "I love you girl, it's not your fault
Your mom and me don't get along"
I know he's lying, I know there's no such thing as
Inexplicable I hear, forget, this world in bed
And suddenly the sun comes up
That's when my pets all come alive
They cheer me up and tell me

Everything's alright
Stuffed animals are always right

My favorite song, my favorite show
I wonder if they even know
Or if they care or if they even notice
I am standing there
I want my pets to come alive
And cheer me up and tell me

Everything's alright
Stuffed animals are always right
Everything's alright
Stuffed animals are always right
Alright...

My eyes all red, the baby's wet
And someone has to get that phone
I want my pets to come alive and
Cheer me up and tell me

Alright...

I lock the door and lock my head
And dream of butterflies instead

and thus the day has ended.... hopefully no more tricks from now on.

now i wonder what have i done in the past to get such a day like yesterday?
have i ever deserved it? maybe. yes. don't we all. it is in fact, a part of life.
but at the moment my mind is in denial of all the wrongs that i might have
done to others. i'm being selfish in other words. i refuse to enumerate the
things that have happened. makes me just want to be angry all over again.

i'm still baffled by all these events. i still ask why.

what to do now to erase such hideous memories..... one word, music.
never fails to make me feel good. (well, aside from art. but i can't make
any art right now. i'm in the office, working.)

life still goes on. still have other problems to worry.

i'm just grateful it ended. i pray to God it ends there.

how i wish this day would already end, just one hour and twenty-five minutes
more. let's hope that all tricks will end by then. no... no one has played tricks
on me but it seems that life itself has.

isn't it funny how i never hesitate to help other people and yet when i get to be
the one who needs help, no one comes to my aide? no one is considerate, no
one even thinks like i'm a person who needs help at times too. yeah, i know
i can come in and the aura of strength and independence is obvious enough. but
sheesh... haven't ye all heard that no one's perfect?

dammit! this computer is even playing tricks on me! sheesh!!!!