me, the messy

you know, i'd rather collapse than endure all these.
have you ever wished you weren't strong?
i feel like i'll blow up any second. i wish i would.
i can picture it in my mind, imagine the feeling even.
it would start from the middle of the chest.
it would feel the same as the one that i always feel
when i suddenly awake from deep sleep.
rush of blood that tightens the chest.
just like it but faster.
if that would happen then i won't explode.
i'll implode instead. which makes sense
in reality since i'll be collapsing and no one
would know what could've happened. all the blood
from the edges and tips of my being, pumped
into the heart with one go.
it must be glorious.
i must be crazy.