me, the messy

our roads crossed because of this radio station. that's not what it's called now. but we've met a lot of good people there. Chi was one of them. i remember Chi saying this exact line when they started to smell something was going on between us.
"so you like married men", she said.
it caught me by surprise. but it wasn't like that at all. it was nothing like that. and that's what i told her. i said we were just friends. well we always have been. that's what hurt i think, being friends all those years because he was committed to someone else. and even after her, he still found another. and yet i was still there, still a friend and i only sighed. that's what i've always done.
until the moment he confessed that he's been feeling something and demanded that i admit that i felt something too. it was true. and that was more than four years after we found each other.

four years was more than two years ago. and here i am, sighing again. he has always gone on his own way, i respected that. i still do. i'm just hoping we could still find a moment to find each other once more.

he said he was sorry if our love was alienating me. it did at some point, but not to the gravest extent. it was just that my love with someone else was far too strong. too damn strong that whenever i remember, it would weaken my barrier. i would literally just fall to my knees and burst into tears.
i couldn't bring myself to click the send button. i just logged out and left. it wasn't our love that ruined this. it wasn't Bug's fault but mine. all my fault.

(i'm sorry if you had to know this way. i couldn't bring myself to tell you.)

you know, when i pass by that area in Ortigas, when i ride a bus to anywhere, when i hang out at starbucks to pass time, when i read all the drafts in my blogs... they don't bring back the painful memories. no. it doesn't remind me of what happened. but it's like clockwork. a jam in the throat, stinging in my eyes. it tightens the chest, it's difficult to breathe.

aside from that, the food seems to be at their blandest. people's faces all look the same to me. dreams seem to be insignificant. i've decided to move on, but i don't see where my life is heading anymore. i am moving on, at least i'm trying to, but it doesn't seem to matter.

i will try to fill in the smaller holes in my life. and once all of them has been filled out, i hope life's spark stops there.

because nothing has meaning at this point in time.

i remember sharing with him how i wanted to still take ballet lessons. it is one of my regrets you see, not being able to continue what i loved to do so much, ballet dancing. most people whom i'd shared it with had laughed at me. he didn't. he encouraged me instead. and so i bought a pair of canvas ballet slippers to inspire me to practise at home.

that was a long time ago. i still use them occasionally.

my sister took this picture when i was in Singapore. she asked me to just stroll around on the shore while she took some pictures of me and this is one of those i liked most.

i can remember what i was thinking while i was on the shore. i remember just seeing nothing but the water and couple of sea vessels. the ocean was so vast, so endless. how far was it to where he was? he was probably asleep too, having 13 hours between us.

it wasn't complicated then, i remember. i wasn't attached to anyone. though i can't recall whether he had a girlfriend or if he was still with his wife. but i do remember that we were friends, that we were fine. we were still just okay then. and okay was good.

it still makes me smile when i remember times like that.