me, the messy

then i wish for the strength that pumps my heart
to go to my father's, that he may live longer and finish his book.

the strength of my spirit to my brother's,
that he may have the will
to face life's obstacles head on and overcome them.

my courage and understanding to my family,
that they may look into each others' eyes and
say what they mean to say with ease.

my gratitude goes to the person who has rekindled
this light, as he has opened my eyes once again and
see that that the world is still a good place to live in.

and to the people who had made my life bearable
whilst in darkness, i wish the happiness you gave
me would return back to you. cherish your light
even in times of dimming.

to the people i've hurt, may i take away your pain
once my wick has ran out.

the few people who understood me best, my
apologies for leaving you. my gratitude is as vast
as the endless space.

i am still with my rainbows.
and i'm just so glad.
i don't need a pot of gold because i'm happy where i am.

found this song finally.
been looking for it for a long time.

TWC Anniv Party, March 22, 2009

we didn't stay that long though. but it was such a great time. we had to to go back to reality the next day, you see. sigh. it was so hard to make lio loco dance too. our efforts to make him wiggle at least were useless. mark was able to go with our foolish moves. it's nice being with rainbows don't you think? maybe we should go back to decades... eek. not in metrowalk anymore i hope. i've made a fool of myself there!



i'm thinking that i have to do something today. but i can't quite figure out what they are. i know there's a lot to do but maybe i'm not the one to do it. i think i better sleep soon.

if stars can be wished upon,
then count all the numerous stars you see at night
and that's how many times
i've wished i can let go and move on.
i have only distracted myself
with more than a dozen people to help me do so.
no matter how much they see me smile
and laugh and act normally everyday,
underneath it all, i'm still broken.
no matter how hard i try to be happy
i would still feel sad when left alone.
add this to my wishes:
for someone to pick me up
and put my pieces back together.

*sigh*.... *emo*

for i am awake!

let's sing shall we? sing with me!

Skip the easel and the turpentine! I can purchase those in the overpriced bookstore instead! What the heck I have all the means to do so anyway. But I need that damned brush tub! Ugh!

Instead of going to artist's haven (no thanks to my phobia of the location), I went to that big store near UST. *Sigh* It was packed with students. I couldn't even ask for a decent answer from one of the sales ladies, so much for inquiries. Good thing about it was that the drafting tables were about 400 bucks cheaper. Albeit the ones from Quiapo are even cheaper. i am certain of that. i think. yeah.

Useless trip. i'm chicken shit anyway. Will probably ask my beloved Mother to come with me on the coming weekend.

brush tub! brush tub! brush tub!!!

uh.... a palette too please. no wood ones. a large one at that.

I hate changing palettes. Yeah, might as well get a large one. Wood ones would work best over time I guess. It just wastes the paint if it's a new wooden palette. It's environment-friendly as well. Plastic ones with little compartments might work. Cheaper, but it's better for water color instead of acrylics and oils. And its difficult to use with the knives. Damn brush tub.

blabbering.... la la la la la.... too many voices......

============================
better decide fast.
Damn it to hell!
I'm fine!
And so it echoes.
i'm fine....

But not for long.
I can feel it.
Must complete the list soon.
must go and be gone.
But not for a lengthy while.
drown myself when its time.
Noticed the tapping?
Noticed the fidgets
notice the silence
notice the trembling.
It's the transition.
failed strength.
no control.
almost rocking....
almost rocking...

Give me a little bit more.
The right moment will come.
switch soon
i'm overlapping you.
I still grasp us.
Smile. Sanely please.
we'll need to run soon.
Not quite yet.
A full list
The right time
i'll savor my freedom.

============================
I have to file for leaves. Soon.
Wish Fahrenheit was here. He knows how to handle this.
He knows.

well hello blog! don't want to dwell in pain again. she seems to enjoy herself though. we're getting through you see. almost back in delight. maybe i should sleep some more. give herself room. this is one rare thing after all.

i wish we can make up our mind though. hmm. going back to slumberland. teehee!

(posted during the previous on the other side)

Earlier today, I was thinking of a design for a tattoo because I was meaning to get my art punctured on to my back. While I entertained my mind with collaborations of past and un-vented artwork, a past suddenly shot through me, with it was a tug on the heart.

He showed me a website once. It was his friend's. It exhibited the intricate needle work of a tattoo artist. It was just celestial to me. I told him I wanted one. The notion angered him. He told me to stick to henna.

*sigh*

I don't know whether to immerse in dolefulness or laughter.

===========================================

I remember when I was in his embrace it would always feel so right. I felt comforted and warm, like it was the only place in this world where I should be. On that last time, he asked me to look at him but I couldn't. I left my head to rest on his shoulder. He asked why but I couldn't answer. I wish I had. But it's too late now.

I wanted to say that I was afraid that he'll vanish. I thought I was dreaming because I couldn't believe that we were together. I was afraid that it would be the last time. Well, it turned out it was.

I eventually looked at him anyway. I remember how his eyes would always look like he's smiling. But the last time I looked meaningfully, he was preventing the tears to spill but it still had that same beam. That memory still pains me. I could have told him everything at that moment, I could have held him in my arms and returned that same warmth. But I was a coward and told myself to save it for tomorrow before he left. It was a bad move. The worst move that I've ever decided actually.

That happened more than two months ago. Would you believe that there's still a bit of hope in me thinking that tomorrow would come? How crazy is that?