me, the messy

nothing more but shock
a numb feeling, just standing still
can't even remember of what just happened
i can't even understand what to do
although its clear
for all i know a path has already been chosen
that was too long ago
it's destination unknown
a happily ever after or utter sorrow
sorrow was my assumption
but now the aftermath
of a sudden conversation
you would want to be my man
and me your woman....?
but i am never anyone's girl
never till the end of the world
religion restrains me
you yourself dwell in another's arms
even i have my own despite my prior principle
what point is it having this?
can you answer that for me?

remembering jon....

lets just call her romaine and him, james."i have news for you," he said. she got worried instantly. is it good or bad?, she thought. and he continued, "may girlfriend na ako." she was suddenly speechless. she didnt know how to react to that. it just seemed that the whole world just stopped.

it's been almost two years since they met. he was 26, she was 20. despite the age gap, they clicked the second after they introduced themselves to one another. james was a great listener. he listened to every word she said. and romaine, she can talk to him about almost anything. they both found that talking to each other eased their minds. and at the back of her mind someone was telling her, you are gonna fall for this guy...

romaine was prone to falling, well... almost immediately, after meeting a guy that she found to be appealingly interesting. after two months of frequent conversations with james, her heart was just about to jump from the ledge and fall for him. well, why wouldnt she? he was there when she needed a shoulder to cry on. he was there when she was happy, and they celebrated for that. he was there even if she just needed a silent presence from someone. but then she found out something that made her step back from that ledge, that made her restrain her growing feelings for james. he had a son. but that isn't so bad, she thought, sending hopes back into her system. but then james went on, he's been married for 5 years now....

she remembers it clearly. that night when she knew. it was the year 2002. she won't ever forget how it felt. james? married?, she recalls. and all she could do then was laugh. no tears were shed, though. but now, tears began to burn in her eyes while she faked her excitement for him. but we had something together... didnt you feel it?. she tried to justify what was happening to her while james kept on describing his new girlfriend.

its already more than a year since they met. romaine noticed that he's always busy, always cranky, always angry, always trying to avoid.... something. she knew something went wrong in james' life. she asked him so many times if everything was going alright. eventually, james got angry because of her persisetence. what was she going to do? she turned to ronnie, their common friend. ronnie told her what happened. james' wife was filing for divorce.

romaine cringed. how could something so aweful happen to a nice guy like james? she knew though that he was having troubles with his marriage. james sometimes told her about it and she would tell him that he should make things right. she even suggested that he and his wife go through therapy if ever things went too far. she remebered how they would begin to argue when she started conversations like that.she couldnt see why it ended this way for james. somehow she felt his pain. what would happen to him after this? what would happen to his son? she ached to be there with him. she wanted him to know that eveything will work out... somehow. she told him he could still save his marriage and that its not yet too late. but he refused. he made his decision and accepted the fact that it was really over. suddenly to her surprise a tear trickled down her cheeck. there must be something she could do. this is so unfair! she thought. 'hindi ito makatarungan!', she told him.'thanx for you concern but i'm fine really', he said, 'buti na yung ganito kaysa sa nagsasama kami at di na maguusap habang buhay.'it was then when she started crying. she cried for his pain. she cried because she cant do anything to help him. she cried because she cant be there for him at a time like this.

but romaine found the strength to hold back the tears. although she felt that it would soon fade. she kept asking james, questions like how they met, how she looked like....

"we've been friends for so long," he answered,"mas ok na ang ganito para wala ng pa cute. physically, she's everything i want in a girl. maputi, 5'6"......" he kept on babbling on.

"congratulations to the both of you!", she exclaimed and added,"i'm so happy for you. o di happy ka na?"

"oo naman!"

"well, thats good... no, that's great! you deserve to be happy!", and her strength failed, "hey james, i have to go. i really have to sleep. puyat kasi ako remember?"

"oo nga pala, thanks ha!", he said, "sleep well!"

sleep well huh?, she thought. when she was on her bed, she hugged her pillow so tight and wept silently. anong nangyari satin? i was so sure that you felt the same way..

some months after his divorce, they found themselves talking like they used to. james was facing all his troubles alright but he seemed fine then. it was their normal conversation, like everything was fine, like there was nothing wrong.

"you seem to be in a good mood today", she commented

"di naman, usual lang", he said

"sabi mo eh. kelan ka ba uuwi dito sa pinas?", she asked, "why dont you let Ronnie tag along. i haven't seen you guys in ages!"

"no way!", he answered, "Ronnie's gonna steal you from my clutches if i let him tag along. akin ka lang!"

ok.. so where did that come from?, she thought.

i still see your face when i turn in my sleep.
i hug you tight but its only the cold comfort of my pillow that i feel.
i finally open my eyes and see you fade.
only seeing a panel of no shade.
you are somewhere else after all.
too far away from clutches...

so much that I can say to you, my voice shakes from the hurt that i hide
ashamed of my existence and of my petty often wounded pride
i like to come home to see you and to catch your sickness by the bedside
but then you know how much i really need you
all the love in an instant makes my life stop
but then my hate for you makes my feelings all together drop

if only i were blind to your selfish fling and your desperate cause
and impress you for the details that threaten my physical flaws
i like to come home to see you and embrace your illness
but then you know how much i really need you
all the love in an instant makes my life stop
but then my hate for you makes my feelings all together drop

so much that i can say to you with affection that i burn inside
your aching from the distance avoiding strength that's running, still alive
if only i could heal you in the sprinkling of the ocean's side
but then you know how much i really love you
all the love in an instant makes my life stop
but then my hate for you makes my feelings all together drop

============================
makes me remember of jon's marriage...

just got home from a day out and realized that i forgot how to live. i did things that i haven't done in a very long time. i saw people during the day again, more people than i ever had seen during the night. although a couple of them were rude to not apologize when they bump into you, some were nice enough to smile, to thank you, to laugh when you coincendentially get into a stupid situation with. i rode public transportations, noticed how people still scramble for a seat on the train, not minding if they hurt others who were in their way. but i saw a few sensible people who at least offer their seat to the elderly and to pregnant women. i walked and crossed more streets today than i usually do in a span of a week. i noticed also how drivers never minded the pedestrians anymore, when they swerve or at least not stop when they get to an intersection, drivers who never proceed with caution. drivers who don't actually know how to drive. but i was grateful enough to have riden a taxi who's driver was very nice and deeply wise. i even met an old friend today. but nothing ever changes i guess. she was cramming for a report for tomorrow and she needed my help. made me realize how grateful i am to be out of school but made me desperately miss it.

gawd! the simple things that i miss.... perks of life that you don't get when you have graveyard shift for work. most people would take it for granted. a selected few would take it as a reminder to make their lives better. i'd rather be the latter. but i'm just a person. i have emotions and moods that make me irrational. and sometimes i also take it for granted. but i don't want to regret doing things that i wish i haven't done. so i at least try to remember that they're blessings to brighten my day. too bad i'm back to reality.

stirred in my sleep. my mind slowly drifted away from the realities of the unconscious. i was aware of my wakefulness and of the magnificence that brighten our days, but i never opened my eyes. i started to recall of the moments passed that seemed like distorted, rumbling visions of the last hours before i submitted myself to a sleepers abstractions. but before that, i felt a very solid ache of a bitch in my head. (damn headache! it hurts still as i type this!) i gave up the recall and headed to the bathroom and released all the piss that i've been holding in my sleep. i looked at myself in the mirror and it's right enough to see a vision as worse as i was feeling. went back to the comfort of my bed but didn't feel any of it. just this blasted pain! i wondered then if i ever brushed my teeth last night and noticed the bits of awkward taste of phlegm in my mouth. gross! i stood up again, craving for some needed breakfast. maybe a cup of coffee would ease the pain.

it almost did. what actually got rid of the last remnants of it was the usual morning greeting from my baby. gosh... what will i ever do without him. just wish that he was really here beside me.

==================================

and then came another craving. it triggered a different kind of hungering pain, one that would be utterly satisfying once it has been fed by pleasure.

for oct. 29.....

just came back to reality from my off days. of course i go through the same old shit i go through each and every damn work day. it drives me to an even nuttier state! the only difference, aside from not being late, was that of a voice that came from someone unexpected. that one from alias brdurano. kinda caught me off guard cause he sounded nice. he doesn't usually, sound that way. anyway, when he found out that it was me who's transferring, he broke into a cheery voice, saying my name twice like it was the first time he's heard from me after a very long while. now that made me smile. and that made my day.

funny how someone else's cheerful voice can brighten your day, even if it's from someone you don't really know personally.


=======================================================================

didn't go to work last night though. i felt awful. i kept getting into a series of sneezes every few minutes, i was getting the chills, my head was spinning and i couldn't walk straight. didn't even bother calling the office. i turned my cellphone off to avoid my team manager's call. yeah, yeah how can i be so inconsiderate.... i ask myselft that question sometimes and find myself dumbfounded. i honestly don't know why. let's see, if i called it would still be the same thing, i'll get double the occurence, cause she'll think it's not a valid reason. well, damn shorty! so what if i can walk, doesn't mean i can still think straight. sheesh. the thing i hate about the office is that they still force you to go there to be sure that you're really sick and unfit to work. it has to be they're doctor's call and not from any other doctor. well i'm sorry, i can't go to the office because i'm sick. which part don't they understand in that statement? di na nga ako makapunta kasi mahina na ko, pipilitin ka pa rin nila para tingnan kung totoo yung sinasabi mo.

and so anyway, that was that. i couldn't really sleep well last night either. damn sneezes won't stop. all the canals in my respiratory system are too sore already from all them sneezes. speaking of sneezes, i heard somewhere that the air that comes out during the sneeze has a speed of 100mph. cool! so when someones's in front of you and a snot comes out during the sneeze, boom! that person would be dead! hahahahaha!


=======================================================================

lastly, i got a surprise. it was the uber mind bending puzzle my baby sent to me. hahahaha! gosh! THAT made my day! i was shocked to see a package on my side table when i got home. it was supposed to arrive today. was so excited that i ripped the outer package wrapper open and started solving at once. there were 3 puzzles. they're like really big weird shaped chains linked together and you're supposed to separate them. was able to separate the smallest puzzle almost at once. but i had to figure out how to get them linked together again.

hahahaha! was just really, well ecstatic about it. it came sooner than i thought it would be. thanks baby! mwah!!!

no need for introductions or any formalities. it's so, well, baduy! hahahaha! wait, am i not just making an intro? oh sheesh!

anyway, this is quite a productive day. i've finally straightened out an almost-fight with one of my closest friends in the office through emails.... lots and lots of emails. it could have been a bloody battle if it was done personally. damn. was never really good with confrontations. when i confront, i confront and nothing else. just a series of statements and no considerations whatsoever. that's the thing about this deranged person, i am nice and good to people. but this angel can be a total devil of a bitch when i turn bad. anyway, here are some of the emails that were sent....

me:

other party:

This actually is quite a surprise for me.
I don't know what to say, ***.
I know that I am quite a handful at times,
I know that most of the times I get What I want.
But reading your email, made me seem like a
"PARASITE", It's like all I ever do is to get you to buy me things,
food and accompany me. I never thought that it would actually come to this.
I feel so horrible right now, I don't know what to say.
Well, you could have at least said something earlier,
I am not that narrow minded, you know?
I actually feel so rotten right now,
"bursting in anger at me" , Never in my wildest dream, ***.
Never did I imagine nor think that it would actually come to this.
I try my best to be a good friend to you and to everybody else.
This really hurts, you know why?
Because it took you this long before telling me.
I feel like a fool, all the while I thought we're OK, guess, I was wrong.
It really hurts, but I also feel so ashamed of my self.
It's like all I ever did was take advantage of you and your generosity.
I thought that we were good friends, now all I will ever do is think back.
On the times that you treated me, you lent me money, and everything else.
Was it all because you couldn't say "no" to me?
Why couldn't you say no?, I mean, who am I to say no to?
Now I feel like everything just turned upside down.
I don't know what else to say....
Just don't be surprised if I'm not the same anymore....
Hindi sa nagmamalaki ako, I know you'll understand.
And don't worry, I'll try to settle all my "damages" as quick as possible.
If I have to get another loan, I will, just to settle everything.
Para matapos na ang gulo sa isip ko.
I just wish that I knew sooner, para naman hindi ko isipin na lahat ng nangyari eh, kasalan ko.
Nalalabuan lang kasi ako eh, anyway, I'll see you around.

well, these are just one of those moments when i lose it. there were a couple of more emails that were sent to me. a lot of blah blah that i didn't really care reading because i was just really asking for an answer. here's the thing. i hate people beating around the bush. i asked the question directly, explained for my inquiry and that's it. now all i want is a direct answer and an explanation. just the way i said it you know. the tone was not that of anger in my initial email, just that of demand of an answer and a reason. in the following emails came the slow rise of anger in me. because again, a reply is just what i'm asking for. and she did reply, just had the wrong content...

lemme continue this later, need mid day sustainance....