me, the messy

our roads crossed because of this radio station. that's not what it's called now. but we've met a lot of good people there. Chi was one of them. i remember Chi saying this exact line when they started to smell something was going on between us.
"so you like married men", she said.
it caught me by surprise. but it wasn't like that at all. it was nothing like that. and that's what i told her. i said we were just friends. well we always have been. that's what hurt i think, being friends all those years because he was committed to someone else. and even after her, he still found another. and yet i was still there, still a friend and i only sighed. that's what i've always done.
until the moment he confessed that he's been feeling something and demanded that i admit that i felt something too. it was true. and that was more than four years after we found each other.

four years was more than two years ago. and here i am, sighing again. he has always gone on his own way, i respected that. i still do. i'm just hoping we could still find a moment to find each other once more.

he said he was sorry if our love was alienating me. it did at some point, but not to the gravest extent. it was just that my love with someone else was far too strong. too damn strong that whenever i remember, it would weaken my barrier. i would literally just fall to my knees and burst into tears.
i couldn't bring myself to click the send button. i just logged out and left. it wasn't our love that ruined this. it wasn't Bug's fault but mine. all my fault.

(i'm sorry if you had to know this way. i couldn't bring myself to tell you.)

you know, when i pass by that area in Ortigas, when i ride a bus to anywhere, when i hang out at starbucks to pass time, when i read all the drafts in my blogs... they don't bring back the painful memories. no. it doesn't remind me of what happened. but it's like clockwork. a jam in the throat, stinging in my eyes. it tightens the chest, it's difficult to breathe.

aside from that, the food seems to be at their blandest. people's faces all look the same to me. dreams seem to be insignificant. i've decided to move on, but i don't see where my life is heading anymore. i am moving on, at least i'm trying to, but it doesn't seem to matter.

i will try to fill in the smaller holes in my life. and once all of them has been filled out, i hope life's spark stops there.

because nothing has meaning at this point in time.

i remember sharing with him how i wanted to still take ballet lessons. it is one of my regrets you see, not being able to continue what i loved to do so much, ballet dancing. most people whom i'd shared it with had laughed at me. he didn't. he encouraged me instead. and so i bought a pair of canvas ballet slippers to inspire me to practise at home.

that was a long time ago. i still use them occasionally.

my sister took this picture when i was in Singapore. she asked me to just stroll around on the shore while she took some pictures of me and this is one of those i liked most.

i can remember what i was thinking while i was on the shore. i remember just seeing nothing but the water and couple of sea vessels. the ocean was so vast, so endless. how far was it to where he was? he was probably asleep too, having 13 hours between us.

it wasn't complicated then, i remember. i wasn't attached to anyone. though i can't recall whether he had a girlfriend or if he was still with his wife. but i do remember that we were friends, that we were fine. we were still just okay then. and okay was good.

it still makes me smile when i remember times like that.

Yesterday I lost my closest friend
Yesterday I wanted time to end
I wonder if my heart will ever mend
I just let you slip away
4 AM forever
Maybe I'll never see you smile again
Maybe you thought that it was all pretend;
All these words that I could never say
I just let them slip away
4 AM forever
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, you never know
Hold a little tighter
4 AM forever
Maybe one day when I can move along
Maybe someday when you can hear this song
You won't let it slip away
4 AM forever
And I'd wish the sun would never come
It's 4 AM and you are done
I hope you know you're letting go
It's 4 AM and I'm alone
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, you never know
Hold a little tighter
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you
Why don't you listen when I try to make it through
Goodbye, goodbye
Goodbye, you never know
Hold a little tighter
4 AM forever...

hi. i'm rai. but that's not my real name, it's just the short-cut. don't get me wrong, i am a girl. most people who hasn't seen me but heard of my name would take the impression that i'm otherwise. Some would even think I'm a derivation of the species once they see me, but then again, I'm not a butch. anyway, don't mind her. she's just butting in. yeah, her. she's usually quiet and serious and strong and brave. she's a perfectionist too. i can go on describing her. she doesn't describe herself much though. she leaves that to me. i on the other hand am a bit immature. i like to run away a lot too. She's in denial a lot. Well I am at times too. which is true.

so anyway, most people would say that i look younger than my age. some even think i'm still in highschool. But my apologies for the deception. (add being too formal to her description by the way, hehe.) i'm already 25, see. but i guess i'm stuck in a body that's for a younger person. going back, some people think i look so innocent. i believe that's on my side. she, on the other hand, is the one who's so worldly. well i am too, in my own ways.

wondering why i'm doing this? well, it's my turn to write. she's kinda silent right now. hmm, that's not the right term. she's moody. she's trying to ignore something right now. Now that word, gives me an idea, ignore. i would call it as letting go. something happened, you see. that incident woke her up, and now i'm the one here.

i'll leave the details of that incident for later. There is still yet another event that's to happen that I don't know how to handle. well, we'll leave that for later too. you see, she writes for expression. i write for mostly anything. although i don't sound as interesting as her. and i write about little itsy bitsy stuff that don't really matter. shallow things, ya'know? and she writes in puzzles. i try to go straight to the point. although i go in circles sometimes too. teehee.

she's trying to go back to her normal state which i think is a robotic life. she's having difficulty with it. i come out at certain times cause i think she doesn't know what to do most of the time anymore. It threw me off-track. yeah, now that i think about it. *sigh* i don't even know what i'm doing at times too. It is too f*ckin' painful! but i try to think about the funny times that happened. But then I'd remember that I won't ever have that chance again. i'd burst into tears. That is if I'm the only one who can see it because I'd cry with her. and then it stops at that. i'll be back to trying to go on with life. Life does go on. But no matter how many times I tell myself that... truth of the matter is, i'm just really stuck. she's screaming and i'm just staring into space while she pours her heart out.

======================================
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it's hard to keep up the courage to face it head on

she's starting to write it up now.
there goes a few words, a few lines.
it's looking like a poem. it became a narration.
she can see it now. it wasn't intentional.
it was suddenly clear to her.
stop.
a gasp, a shudder.
fight it, she prays. she lost.
pain was too much of a burden.
she was hiding it for far too long.
she went on writing till it was too much to bear.
she's running away from it now.
and she longed to be in his arms.
she longed to be in anyone's arms.
she's wailing.

nothing but anguish.

but she writes some more.
i admire her strength.
but she stops once again.
i know it hurts.
i feel it too.
all i know is that she has to write this down.
she let her tears flow now as she went on.
it was so hard.
a few more weeping spells.
and the worst has passed.
hopefully.
she might just be tired.
so i rest.

there was only this one time when i had fluttering wings
and sparkling colors as my comfort. i guess i'm going back
to that. yeah... something bad happened again. it doesn't
really feel too good. that's why i'm trying not to remember
what happened. not yet anyway. i'm chicken, remember?
that sounded funny. i imagined myself clucking away.
anyway, i feel so small right now. too small... i'd like to
disappear for some time. i'd probably have the courage
to face what happened after i get back. well if i do decide
to disappear. *sigh* it's hard. it's already been 4 days and
i still can't face it head on. i need to find to courage to look
straight at it and i'll be quiet now.

one of my pictures from the team building.



i like this picture of me. Bug likes it too.

*sigh*

i'm missing my Bug.

stop it... i can feel your emotions.
i can hear your voices in my head.
i can't give you all the answers at once.
how many of you are there?
please go far away from me.
to another part of the world, please.
but it doesn't matter.
no matter how long the distance
i can still feel your agony
and it's hard to cope with
as you're going with everyone else.
one at a time please
i may have different persons inside me
but i only have two minds
can you please let me breathe for one moment...

the beginning
================================
felt a sudden presence of boldness and strength.
no, it was just the door that i heard open.
nonetheless, he a caught a few of our attentions, didn't he?

i think i've seen him before.
maybe we've met in a previous lifetime.
he looks kinda cute.
boy, he does look small beside Joe.
maybe it's because he's as tall as Bug.
hmm... whatever. you just miss him.
maybe. let's just focus on who ever's talking.
as if you're listening.
hey, shut up everyone, look back at them, Joe's talking.
big deal, he's just introducing the small guy.

*flabbergasted silence*

did i hear him, right?
uhm.....
yeah, i think so.
did we just skip a beat?
well what do you know, we have the same nickname!
that's interesting.
i know you want to smile but i don't so better control yourself.

i will need to make a story out of it.
one thing's for sure, it still does make me smile.
i thought it was just a passing thing.

i got a new job. and i'm happy.
it's funny how i ended up here again.
was there no other choice, you wonder.
there were a lot. i could have worked
and practiced what i haven't studied
so hard for and be a maniac trying
to earn even more, never being satisfied.
i have been there for a rather short
period of time. and i tell you, it is
something that i wouldn't want to
go back to.

i surprised myself with the feeling similar
to being home when i landed back in
this industry. i have never expected it
would be so. i just wanted to get a job
the fastest way possible so my dear
mother would stop irking me to study
again.

anyway, it's been a great ride so far.
and i hope it would carry on as is.

did i get my sense of humor back?
i figured i needed it back.
i was jealous of her.
he seems to get along with her more than we do.
i just... i don't know.

on april 14, i realized that i may not be the one for you.
what you said, it still hurts. it cut very deeply.
i understand that there are just things that we won't go
along very well with. but we'll accept that because of the
fact that we love each other and not because we get along
with these matters. but i'll stay with you because i still
believe you're the one for me, i'll be here until you find
the real one for you.

i lost something somewhere
i actually lost a lot of things
well, most of it really.
i got stirred up
and i'm still swirling.
i don't know when it would stop.
i pray it would soon.
but every time i try
another thing adds up.
i don't know what to do.

it seems that every aspect is difficult for us right now. have you ever thought that this would happen? that both mobile phone and the internet are not working properly? it might just be coincidence. and it only proves to be difficult because we're independent on it to talk to each other i guess. maybe we can just send letters through snail mail. that would be fun! hahaha! but then i wouldn't know where to address the letter because you're always on the move. well, i can send it to your house in marbel, so that when you get home you'll see a package of letters waiting for you. and they'll be all from me.

i guess you're right about me being tired of this relationship. i'm sorry. i just feel so frustrated right now because having this relationship is wasting too much of our time and resources that it's becoming more of an inconvenience.

or maybe i just feel this way right now because i have all the time in the world to care and to feel like i'm being cared for. and that makes me feel like you have no time for me. Dear God! i do hope i get a job soon because i know that will be the solution to all this whining! i'll be busy and it would make me appreciate our time together even more or maybe not. we'll see.

My words got lost.
With it was my breath, my warmth.
I couldn't feel.
Everything was still.
He has plans.
I can't help but feel like I wasn't part of it.
It was too damn far.
Just too far.

Everything's a blur.
I don't want it to clear.
I don't want to see what's coming.
I don't want to go through it again.
I don't want to get left behind.

You lie there beside me, eyes closed with the face of innocence.
I explore your face, careful not to touch and wake you.
Bared of worry, nothing but calmness.
You're safety is my comfort.

I remember the rhythm of your breathing and the sound of your beating heart.
It rocks me to sleep. I feel nothing more but relief.
And yet overwhelmed. So I whisper it to you.

That memory, it soothes me to slumber.

I'm confused.

Given 2 things that you want to do in life, but they're complete opposites of each other, which one would you choose?

See, you'll be sacrificing a lot for the first one. With 3 years and 3 months to waste before you even earn the second job's starting basic pay. But after that, you'll earn so much more and it would be worth all that wait.

The other is where you think you'll be happy doing what you do with a stable income of just that, all through out you're stay in that company.

Why I worry so much about the compensation is because of I have to provide for a few obligations. So yes, it is all about the compensation.

You know I can write anytime. So with that in mind, I'd rather program. But, when it comes to compensation, considering my current obligations, I'd rather write.

I know I've been in this situation before. I can remember that I've chosen the wrong path.

Maybe I can choose both.

it wasn't the first time he told me. but this is as far as i can remember.

that day, we were supposed to go to that sale for mountaineering items in front of burger king after we watched a movie at trinoma. when we got there , it was closed. i felt sorry for letting him down again. so we ate at burger king instead.

and then he said that he loved me before we parted ways.

i remember his face, how he reacted. i think it was disappointment or worse, hurt. he told me he loved me and i only answered with a goodbye and that to take care. i knew how awkward that moment was so i gave him a peck on the cheek (or at least i think i did) and then crossed the street. i stopped when i reached the other side and i remember watching him walk away before i started to climb up the hill to our village.

i remember feeling something that i can't even start to describe when i was heading on home. now i realized that it was emptiness. maybe it was what he was feeling too.