me, the messy

hello dear friend... funny, your face seems to be different from the last time i saw you. well you're face is always different everytime. i was trying to remember that time when we were kids. we used to run around school trying to escape from my piano teacher. and she would comb the grounds to find me. we sure did trick her didn't we? oh that wasn't you? i'm sorry. it was a long time ago. so i guess you remembered that time when we used to eat kamias and adobong mani after clasess when we were in gradeschool. you used to accompany me when i was waiting for my dad to pick me up. we used to push rock salts into the small fruit and it would look like mouth ulcers. oh no, that wasn't you either. but we used to go to ballet practise together, didn't we? i envied you. you danced really well. it was kinda funny when people look at us because we were both so thin. your sister was my sister's schoolmate then, remember? no? oh well. but you do remember that time when we always go to Kristina's house and we just kept on laughing and talking and we all went to watch movies. and we can do that the whole day! who's kristina? why, she's our friend back in highschool. no? so i guess you know that friend of ours who loves vampires. she was my seatmate and had short brown hair. she loves to write. she's a poet you know. she used to write poems for the Blue Flame. you haven't heard of the Blue Flame, you say? but she always had poems published in that paper. anyway, you must be the one who loves dogs. how are your dogs? who's taking care of them in davao? i beg your pardon? you don't have a dog! oh i'm sorry about that. well i certainly don't want to keep you from your work. did you ever try to take the board exams again? i think you'll be a pretty good lawyer considering how our conversations would always go. it seems that you're in the political circle back in pampanga. saudi? what do you mean? what in the world are you doing there? damn! you're not the lawyer? hmm.... saudi's pretty far away. i remember that time when you suddenly told me you'll be going to saudi. it was like a bomb dropped right on my head. you came back here but then i guess it's better there since you still went back to saudi. don't mind me, i'm just reminscing.... oh hey, sorry i must have drifted off somewhere. how's saudi again? what do you mean what about it? we were just talking about that. no? the windmill then! is your farm doing well? omigosh... i'm sorry to hear that. why didn't it push through? but you already ordered the windmill! i'm sorry i couldn't be there for you. so you're working for a call center now? oh yes yes, of course you're working there, we're both working there???? oh we're both working there! right! i've heard you're pregnant. i hope it's a girl this time... oh sorry, it's a boy then. and he's already 5 years old? i'm confused. so disoriented. we met in la salle you mean? who are you? i think i'm going crazy. let me just clear my head a bit............. well thank God! it's just a mirror!

just call it an exaggerated reaction. but here's what happened.

my boss suddenly called my officemate last week, said that he'll be coming in that day and will arrive in approximately 15 mins. that's pretty normal around here, is it not? of course you'll get the usual visits from your boss in your office once in a while. sometimes you'll see him whiz by your doorway hurrying to a meeting or wherever. but this, my friends, is totally different. you know why? because he was supposed to fly in from london and would you believe that it would only take 15 mins for that whole trip?!?!? he was supposed to arrive today, the 13th of November! and he was supposedly staying for only 2 days! but no!! he arrived November the 7th and can we even be not prepared enough? he's staying here with the wife till november the 17th. jeezz! oh yeah oh yeah, here's something that pissed me off almost to end of my wits. he checked my computer out, opened every single file! he found my picture too! and get this... he slowly smiled when he saw it! now what does that imply? and my officemate informed me that he'll be seeing me the early morning of the next day just to have a brief chat with me. sounds endearing... not! demet! i'd rather be alone in this whole floor than be alone with a boss who smiles slowly when he looks at my picture! and you know, i am very particular with my privacy which is why i got pissed off when he looked at each and every single file i have on this piece of $***! so the next i got in to the office, i put a freakin password on it! so now my officemate needs to ask me for the password everytime she logs in to it.

whew! i think that's all that it is in my system.

i just met them by the way. and they left about 10 mins ago. the wife is very beautiful! you wouldn't even believe why she married the man! he doesn't look messed up or anything. you'd just really wonder why when you see both of them, together. wife's half pinay and half brit by the way. anyway, i wasn't really in the mood to talk when they were here. was mostly quiet. i mean who in the hell would be in the mood to talk if you were sitting here for 5 hours basically doing nothing and being totally lost and confused if there's still a job to be done or not! i'm still not doing anything by the way. that's why i'm doing this now. what my boss briefed me about was utterly pointless! i would have just stayed with my good friend having "lunch" and laughing at him for the rest of my shift. hell, it's better than sitting here and getting myself deranged from all of this!

i did. and i'm sad to say that i got a disappointing answer. maybe that's why you don't ask people why they love you. we expect different things which causes the disappointments.


you'd probably wonder why i asked him that. i find myself silent when we talk you see. i can't think of anything to say anymore. i guess i'm running out of words. i used to be like a bouncing puppy, always excited to ask, to tell stories, make him laugh. there was always something to talk about. but there are just those times when i don't know what to talk about and i find myself sort of lost ina whirlpool and everything else is being sucked in it. sad, isn't it?


but then, i asked him if he thought i was crazy. and i got more than a satisfactory answer. it made me smile from ear to ear.


i don't think you can ask why a person loves you. knowing that someone loves you is actually more than enough. just lay back and enjoy the ride. because there's just so many reasons why a person does, and it not up to you to know them. you just have to give them enough privacy to savor that.


moral of the story, don't ask your loved ones why they love you....... just ask them if they think you're crazy! hahaha!


p.s. i love you baby!

I was going through my multiply and found that my friend and former officemate, Mel, replied to my previous post about rants. Don't worry Mel, i'm okay now. It's all cool... so anyhoo, passed by her account and found this post of hers about Basti (which was posted more than a month ago. i can't believe i read it just now. sorry mel!). and i thought, oh yeah, Basti, vocalist of the ever famous band, Wolfgang. And it all came back to me again....

I guess it started about 5 or 6 years ago when me and my fanatic wolfgang siblings went chasing after the band one gig after another. well that was when i was in college, first college that is(haha!), and was finally legite to go out and drink. of course my parents didn't know. they might have guessed but then i was with my siblings so it was fine. anyway, we were fans eversince they first got their album released. it was the era of cassette tapes back then. allowance of P20 was enough for a day (don't ask me how old i was then because i honestly can't remember). and a week without snacks was the ulitimate sacrifice just to get a tape of wolfgang's first album. hey, if you were rakero at heart, you'd do anything to get to buy their tape. can't remember which company got to record their first album but i remember that it was something to do with being white. hold on for a sec..... ivory. it was the only album they had with ivory, if my memory's still intact. and if i do remember correctly, when the band was already so big, ivory decided to release a sort of like the legends album of wolfgang's debut. sheesh. i don't know if the band got a cut from that...

going back, wolfgang is one of those bands who survived through the evolution of music by still making it good. and when i say good music, it's not because it has a catchy tune. it should be good in everything, the lyrics, the sound, the harmony of the instruments. exaggerated i know but if you know how to listen, then you'll know what i mean. and wolfgang had that, and it didn't matter if the song was in English or in Filipino, it was still really good.

i remember the Black Mantra album. it was the very last album they had before the band temporarily broke up. back then CDs were still amazing when it came to secondary data storage. so they had it released still in cassette tapes with a boot leg too. damn! i bought at least 3 of those. and i kept buying and buying and i gave it as presents to my friends and fellow die hard wolfgang fanatics. never got the CD of it by the way. my sister bought one but that was the time when we weren't really updated with the music scene anymore. she also bought the Volume album when it was released in US. well she didn't buy it personally but had one of our cousins in the states to buy it for her. a couple of years later, Volume was released here in the Philippines. haha! oh well. she does have the US released album of Semenelin in which Mata Ng Diyos became Watermarks. the Filipino version is better if you ask me.

Attending their gigs was by far one of the highlights of the times i've enjoyed and bonded with my siblings i guess. We never left the house if one of us was missing, well most of the time. I was usually the one missing because I was still in college then. projects to do and getting ready for exams, all that crap that served to be useless because i soon found my self following wolfgang's vocalist to the other side of Taft Ave. Yep, despite not having any soil where it can grow, the grass was greener there.

My mom always blamed the fact that i've always agreed to go out with my siblings to those gigs, for the reason why i sought out for greener pastures. As if la salle wasn't green enough, eh? I've always denied it. Because again, I was having the time of my life. I wouldn't remember any of these memories if I didn't. it's not that i'm actually proud of what happened, but those times were like long, hot, relaxing baths at the end of the mind-twisting, shoulder-tensing, eye-soring days of ehem, my first college.

There's more to remember, more to share, more that i've always treasured back then, but i'll leave it at that. if i keep on blabbing about this, you'll soon find out how much more exaggerated and how much of brat i was back then. Past is past anyway, and there are things that I'd rather keep to myself.

FYI, i didn't work for you to be on call. and FYI, my officemate did send you guys the list of holidays for this week. so why the hell did you have to call me in the middle of the night and yes, you just had to call when i was about to drift off to a very good night's sleep! the problem with you people is you don't actually read you're emails. you just go through them without even letting the purpose of the email register in your pea-sized brains! no, as a matter of fact, you don't read them. you actually admitted that you just go through them back when you were still here briefing us on what to do! which means that you're just looking at the letters from left to right starting at the top most line.

no, that's not addressed to any of you. it's for those people who decided that they wanted to set up and expand their stupidity here in this country. oh yeah, they're stupid alright. sheesh they can't even read properly. they probably work too much that they don't even know what the word "holiday" means! and just so you guys know, i didn't even answer that damned phone of mine. made up some lame excuse that i wasn't able to get to it on time because i'm doing what most filipinos are doing right now, sleeping! and to think he tried to get to my conscience to make me wanna work with the line that "they've been working over the week end". well excuse me, that's not my problem. you clearly stated in the contract that my days off would be on weekends. and you knew that today (well till 5 minutes ago) was declared a holiday!! can't you at least respect that?

dammit! i'm going to bed! i'll soon regret this but who the hell cares?!? i'm furiously irritated right now! who the wouldn't be anyway? $#^%!!!!

it was last july 31. we were having breakfast at mcdo. you were reading the newspaper while i was writing it on the muffin using strawberry jam. i'll never forget that look on your face when i offered it to you.

It's been a long while isn't it? There are so many things that I'd like to
back track myself into. Work, studies.... And I'd like to recall when I last
had fun with my life. I can't seem to remember anymore but I'm sure
it wasn't life as it is now.

When I was still following the norm that dictates how life should be in this
community about a few years ago, i used to get comments from the people
i looked up to, saying that i should enjoy life while i'm still not in their
world. But being in the status of where i was, on the brink of finally getting
out of almost a decade of studying college, i was all too excited and all too
fascinated with getting in to the corporate world. But i think i got into it too
soon. Because working was like starting another race before even reaching
the finish line of the current one. I juggled work and studies at the same
time. I'm still amazed that I got to the very end of the very last lap of the
very long race of college.

It's probably insane to say it, but it was fun. Working and studying was like
a fast track. The speed was addictive. So when i was finally done with
studying, working was a rather boring life and I've grown to hate my job.
Who wouldn't? It was stressful and tiring and it was always the same every
single damned day! The same calls, the same complaints, the same effing
irate and frustrated customers bellowing their lungs out so that they can
just feel good over something that wasn't even my fault! Hell! If they
wanted so much to do such a thing then they should have just called their
f*cking shrinks! I worked for the company to help them with the Internet
connection and not to listen to their insanity! Sheesh!

Well clearly I'm not over with that experience. Let me just take a
breather here and get back to you later....

(posted this in my multiply account on september 28 and for got to cross post it here)

I never thought I would feel such a thing in my life. But i guess it comes
with our nature as humans.

I've always been very open when it comes to relationships. But this wasn't
a threat to the one that i have with my boyfriend. This was really a very
simple thing and i can't believe, can't even start to imagine that i felt...
feel...very strongly about it! i'm sure you would share the sentiments.

you see, i call him baby, or babes. and by some accident, his classmates
knew about it and started teasing us. and ever since then (here it comes)
one of them, who by the way happens to be one of the closest friends he has
there and who is a girl, started to call him babes as well.

yes, it's as simple as that! someone else is calling him babes! and by God!
it's the very first time i ever felt it and i didn't know what it was and so i
gave in to the fact that it might actually be jealousy! what's worse,i even
cried over it. can you believe that? i can't! but the feeling was just so sudden
and it wasn't really nice.

any girl can cry because of jealousy, right? but sheesh, in this situation,
i admit it's truly shallow. it is rather funny. but if you were in my shoes,
that ugly feeling was more overwhelming than hilarity so you'll result into
tears. and there he was, my baby drowning himself in laughter!

so was i when i went back to that memory a few days after it happened.

ever get that feeling that everyone's looking at you every time you pass by.
you feel their eyes on you for awhile and when you look back at them to
acknowledge it, they turn away all of a sudden. pft... nothing but confirmation.
wonder what that's about. did you do something wrong? look weird, you think?
maybe there's something hanging in your nose.

come back and look in the mirror and you see nothing but you. the usual
casual look that you have. so what's with that?

whatever. it seems so easy to get back at them, raise your hand and give
them the finger. relish on that thought. you'd never do it anyway, your too
polite. wonder, do you ever look at people that way?

bunch of a**es!

Take the Role-Playing Stereotype quiz.

you think you've done everything wrong
you think it's all your fault
and you believe that you won't be forgiven.

but then you witness another magnificent sun rise
sunlight tries to pierce the night sky
and you can see indigo fade into blue
blue stretches out to green having slate in between
then finally yellow, reaching out
rays of flame lined up to different directions.
makes you believe that your drawings of the sunrise
when you were a kid was almost as real as what
you're just seeing.

and you know that God still loves you.
because he's just given you another
magnicificent sunrise

she was a teenager then, eager to explore the world and conquer it. he, on the otherhand was almost a decade her senior, experienced of the world's tricks, knowledgable on how to outsmart and detach himself.

she lost him, way before they even met. but when fate decided to let their paths cross, she was almost certain that it was a match that would last the lifetime but she was not as certain if he felt the same way. she had to know and she soon found out. he already had a son. that wasn't pretty bad, was it? having a big heart, she can learn to love his son as her own. but then, he was still wearing his wedding band. as young and as vulnerable as she was, her heart broke. she decided she can stand by him as his friend even if the pieces can't be mended.

as the years passed, their friendship grew into something special, the type that no one can explain. it hurt her to see it end that way. and as their friendship grew, so did the pain. he grew farther away from his wife, however. until one day, his wife left him. she knew that they were having problems. but she never knew that it was that bad. she was devasted and felt for him. she stood by him all the way, tried to distract him from all his worries through little things that made him laugh and conversations that made them feel silly. it worked. but she had always wondered if the failure of his marriage was of her doing. he reassured her that it didn't.

time had mended his wounds. she thought it improper, but it had always lingered in her mind if this was her chance. wouldn't it look like she stole him away? too late. while she was too busy deciding about that, he found yet another who could put color back into his life. someone else stole him. she lost him yet again. she went on being his friend, but the pieces of her heart broke into smaller ones. until she decided to let him be.

years later, they met again. he looked good and well with his girl. she on the otherhand was satisfied enough with her boyfriend. but memories were never forgotten. they realized how much they missed each other's company and decided to always be in contact no matter what. but the times were re-occurring. his girl found out and left him. again, she was the reason for this ruin. everything was back to normal quicker than the last time though. but not as normal however. he confessed his feelings for her and claimed that there was something else going on between them other than just being good friends. he wanted to confirm that he wasn't just the one feeling it. and she confessed as well.

she stayed with her boyfriend, however. she tried to keep it from him, but truth would always reveal themselves. so it did. there was a moment of tears and of unspoken pain. her boyfriend remained by her side, anyway, but only as a good friend now.

so they were finally together. laughing at the same little things, silly things. sharing day to day activities. facing challenges in life together.it was good while it lasted. no. it was great.

but some things do change, an impact of life's experiences. personalities that were failed to be seen in the past. they fought over it. and it's been more than a week without him. she realized that this time, it must be his turn. he left her hanging.

has she lost him again? i don't know. i'm still waiting. i'm still counting the days. i'm still hanging on. i can't help but think if this is what i've deserved all along.
i guess i do.

you know, i'd rather collapse than endure all these.
have you ever wished you weren't strong?
i feel like i'll blow up any second. i wish i would.
i can picture it in my mind, imagine the feeling even.
it would start from the middle of the chest.
it would feel the same as the one that i always feel
when i suddenly awake from deep sleep.
rush of blood that tightens the chest.
just like it but faster.
if that would happen then i won't explode.
i'll implode instead. which makes sense
in reality since i'll be collapsing and no one
would know what could've happened. all the blood
from the edges and tips of my being, pumped
into the heart with one go.
it must be glorious.
i must be crazy.

i'm so fed up with the things that i'm doing
with my work
with drawing
with the faces i see everyday
the things i hear or read
the things i say
the way i think
the way i act
habits that never go away
the distance
the boundaries
the hindrances
the differences

but maybe it's just the longing....

I lock the door and lock my head
And dream of butterflies instead
The beauty of their colored wings
The trees, the grass and pretty things
Imagination fills the void of my existence

Daddy says "I love you girl, it's not your fault
Your mom and me don't get along"
I know he's lying, I know there's no such thing as
Inexplicable I hear, forget, this world in bed
And suddenly the sun comes up
That's when my pets all come alive
They cheer me up and tell me

Everything's alright
Stuffed animals are always right

My favorite song, my favorite show
I wonder if they even know
Or if they care or if they even notice
I am standing there
I want my pets to come alive
And cheer me up and tell me

Everything's alright
Stuffed animals are always right
Everything's alright
Stuffed animals are always right
Alright...

My eyes all red, the baby's wet
And someone has to get that phone
I want my pets to come alive and
Cheer me up and tell me

Alright...

I lock the door and lock my head
And dream of butterflies instead

and thus the day has ended.... hopefully no more tricks from now on.

now i wonder what have i done in the past to get such a day like yesterday?
have i ever deserved it? maybe. yes. don't we all. it is in fact, a part of life.
but at the moment my mind is in denial of all the wrongs that i might have
done to others. i'm being selfish in other words. i refuse to enumerate the
things that have happened. makes me just want to be angry all over again.

i'm still baffled by all these events. i still ask why.

what to do now to erase such hideous memories..... one word, music.
never fails to make me feel good. (well, aside from art. but i can't make
any art right now. i'm in the office, working.)

life still goes on. still have other problems to worry.

i'm just grateful it ended. i pray to God it ends there.

how i wish this day would already end, just one hour and twenty-five minutes
more. let's hope that all tricks will end by then. no... no one has played tricks
on me but it seems that life itself has.

isn't it funny how i never hesitate to help other people and yet when i get to be
the one who needs help, no one comes to my aide? no one is considerate, no
one even thinks like i'm a person who needs help at times too. yeah, i know
i can come in and the aura of strength and independence is obvious enough. but
sheesh... haven't ye all heard that no one's perfect?

dammit! this computer is even playing tricks on me! sheesh!!!!

funny, how my blog restricts me from saying the things that i want.
funny, how i still made a blog despite still keeping most of my secrets.
ironic isn't it? my life seems to be full of irony.

i never thought life would be so difficult or that complicated.
i've always accepted everything as it comes along.
that makes choices so much simpler. but then when
simple things pile up, it would be too much to handle
with just two hands.
i'm just a small girl really, with a mind of an idealist.
with a strong spirit that easily breaks if you know
where to strike.

*****

i worry too much about everything. makes me wonder why i
have black hair instead of white. i care too much of most things.
people wonder why i do, instead of minding my own business.
i don't really know. it doesn't feel too good if i don't care.
some people would think, if i have ever cared for myself.
yes, of course i have. i'm rather selfish if you knew what
my intentions were.

*****

i guess i can't understand it anymore. for once i don't actually
know what to do with a situation like this. i usually can handle
anything that comes my way. but not this one, oh no. this
would be, i guess, a real challenge for me. one that i won't
manage to work out.

was checking on my old yahoo account and went through almost all of the yahoo groups that i'm
part of. groups of friends met from different places with different common interests. funny how
i'm not in touch with most of them anymore. some of them being the greatest friends that i've
ever met. yet despite the best of times we've had together, i sit here and do nothing to initiate
through whatever way of communication to express that i miss them. i never know why i do
that. but that's the reason why i'm typing this down, to get to the reason behind it.

i guess we moved to places during the times when i though i already met friends that would be
most dear to me. you know that feeling? when you meet a friend you think who'll be the best
friend of your whole life.... someone whom you can talk anything about and everything your life
goes through? well, i guess when i finally got to those times when i was kid, my family would
move to another place. and thus the conclusion of why still have a best friend?

i remember telling one of my greatest friends about not yet finding someone like that. someone
who can be there and stand by me no matter who i am, even if i was gone for a long time or
even if i didn't make a single contact while i was away. someone who can read me, and what i'll
think or do or say just by looking at me or better, not even looking at me. just.... feeling. i told
her that i met someone almost like that already. but it wasn't her. i knew i caused her some
disappointment. we had that conversation about 4-5 years ago. we're not in touch anymore.
well, none from our group of friends have i ever been in touch since God knows when.

it has been the same thing with all the friends i've made. no contact. even if they're already
beside me. because there's an awkward feeling between us, like we're total strangers, like we've
never known each other anymore. honestly, it's so irritating to see them during those times. i'm
so used to seeing them that i want to do something else, so used to being with them that i want
to get away from the very place of which we're both in. there are several who understands me
and respects me for it. just a few that i can think of right now in fact. there are a couple whom i
can call real friends. it's funny how i thought they would be the ones that i wouldn't get along
with, but they're actually the people who'd be there when i do need them, give advice that
actually is the right one to take. (and if you're reading this entry, you're one of those people and
i salute you). although there were those people whom i thought were real friends, but i guess i was wrong.

the friends that i'm missing at the moment are those whom i've had great times with but with
no contact anymore. although i just miss them, doesn't mean i wanna be with them.

I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool
Everyone's got their chains to break
Holdin' you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best of you?
Are you gone in onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn't have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can't choose
I swear i'll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
Your trust, you must
Confess

I've got another confession my friend
I'm no fool
I'm getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear i'll never give in
I refuse

one of those incredible feelings in life
a natural high that would plead to care
and caring would come naturally then
the smile comes in without your knowledge
and it actually looks real, without any
sadness in the eyes or any worried lines
hi's and hello's are now easy
a wave here and there to say goodbye as you stroll home
apologizing and really meaning it
enjoying simple talk
the cool morning breeze tingling the face
admiring the spirit of waking you up with the number of calls he made
the magnificent sunset
a kiss on the cheek to acknowledge the presence and the almost absence
being there for friends
not minding the little things that causes the madness
acknowledging the e-mail that someone misses you
oatmeal that reminds of childhood stories about Goldilocks, 3 bears and porridge
doing secret contact with siblings
a simple expression of gratitude
recalling favorite songs
there's a whole lot more.

i just had myself reset.
and if i die soon, i think i'll die happy.

i just love this video!

there would come a time when
frozen windows turn to waterfalls
the words for apology cease to be said
linger in darkness inside the head
for barricades of lumps and sobs
hinder the echoes of sorrow, of regret
water keeps falling unmanned, with no dams
it stings through closed windows, now broken
it's shards had pierced another
i've cause the wounds, the pain, the bleeding
and for that a suffering of tenfold

it was already november, and i was running out of ideas as to what to give him for christmas. i wanted something special,
something meaningful, something he wanted. i asked him what he wanted, but anything would do, he said. i asked him to
send me his wishlist instead. but i couldn't give him anything that were mentioned. as a last resort, i decided to give him
a planner from starbucks. i liked the planner and i was so excited to use it since the pages were all recycled. it was also
bound in leather, which added class to it. i was hoping that he'd feel the same way as what i had felt when i first got mine.
i made sure though that he uses a planner first, which he did, so that i know it would be of use. i really don't like giving stuff
to people that aren't any useful. so anyway, the planner isn't anything that you can just buy. one has to purchase a certain
number of their seasonal and regular drinks that would avail of a sticker for each. the stickers would then be placed on the
"promo" card that each customer gets every holiday season of each year. it took me almost 3 months to get all stickers. i
like the toffee nut latte so i would usually order it, that everytime i pass by starbucks they would already know who i was
and which drink to get me. until that drink was out of order, i always asked for the tall cafe americano (and of course my
favoritee chunky choco chip cookie). when i finally completed it, i was so excited to get it but was unable to right
away, since i was so busy with work and school. then, one morning of the early weeks of february, i made time to get it.
i was so busy then contacting people that while i was talking to the guy on the counter to get the planner, i was also talking to
someone on the phone. i got the planner without second thoughts, thinking how my baby would feel when he finally
got it. i arranged to have it sent to him right after my class after a couple of days later (there was an LBC branch right in
front of the school, very convenient isnt it?) then hoped for the best.

to be continued....

i'm starting to hate wearing my glasses. sometimes it would come
up still so blurry. i wonder if the grade's too much or too less.

i gave my baby a planner. not just any planner but a starbucks
planner. and yes i've completed all the drinks to get it! when i
got it, had it sent to him through LBC. i was so excited that he's
gonna have it at last! but it was so frustrating to hear that the
planner wasn't in order. i was sorry. i felt so bad.

anyway, was finally able to have the planner changed. went passed
by starbucks for that reason but it just got me pissed off a bit.
i talked to the supervisor and he said all it needed was rearranging
the months to the right order. so he started
adjusting the rings that binded the leaves together and told me
about it. like duh! hello? as if i'd be there just to ask you to
rearrange the leaves!! of course i would want to have it changed
you moron! gosh! i would really want to say that straight to his
face! they didn't have any planners available yet. so they will
be contacting me again on when i can get it. sheesh! this is
supposed to be a present and it's all just a tradegy! and i don't feel
too good about it!

=(

stop.
i need some time for myself.

i'm tired.
i keep on forgetting things.
i'm stubborn most of the time.
i constantly get into an arguement.
i get irritated too quickly.
i'm begining to be selfish.
i feel like the world is closing down on me.
it's getting too smaller and too difficult to breathe.
i need sometime to get my focus back.
you know, do all these things and
still maintain my old self.

i miss that.

My day begins at night actually. Pretty weird huh?

I'm at work for about 9 hours. There really is no problem with the time to get to work.
It would only take me a few minutes. Preparing for work takes a bit of time. Let's say
an hour maximum. That already eats up 10 hours of my day. I go back home to get
my stuff and refresh for school. I go to school then. That would take me about an hour
and a half. Each of my classes lasts for 3 hours sometimes more. And i spend another
hour to get home. At the maximum I've used up 16 hours of my day already. But it
doesn't stop there. Once i get home, i have some chores to do, make assignments,
prepare my things for the next day and prepare for bed. If i can squeeze in a few minutes
of watching TV or browsing the net/ checking emails I will. And if there's some important
errand to run then sprint! Cause that would all be done in 3 hours, maximum. More than
that then.... well, I still can still manage. I'm only like this for four days in a week. Going
back, I've already eaten up 19 hours by then. And sleeping would be no problem. I just imagine
someone cuddled next to me in my bed for about 5 minutes and sure enough I'll be
sleeping like a baby.

I used to hate time. It limits us from enjoying and wasting it away in pleasure. But one can't
really prevent it, time does limit us. The good thing that it does is that it would make you
treasure every happy, enjoyable, sweet, lovely and all the other moments. Because you
won't have enough time to have that again.